Grief is a topic most people run from.
But grief is what drew my heart to counseling. It is the one topic I feel well versed in because I have felt grief many times in my short 28 years. But I will be the first to tell you, grief never goes away. It just changes and becomes a little easier to deal with.
I have felt grief in many different aspects, and I want to share how I have learned to deal with grief.
When I think of grief, I often explain it to others like a wave in the ocean. You never know when it is going to come crashing to shore and rock your world. It could be a small wave, or it could shake you to your core. But how you handle it is going to help you grow and cope so that the next time a wave hits.. you are a little more prepared.
There are several stages of grief, and no one has the same time frame. Actually, there is not a time frame- so don’t rush your feelings- embrace them. If you avoid feelings, grief or anything for that matter, you are just building up a storm that will eventually erupt. You could be causing damage in other areas of your life by not facing your feelings at hand. Also, I feel that some people experience these phases in a different order, or you might skip a step altogether. But here is the gist of the stages of grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
I have felt grief in many different forms:
As a 10 year old, I lost my dad in a tragic accident. If that doesn’t shake your whole world up, I do not know what will. It shook me to the core. My dad and I were best friends. I just did not understand WHY it had to happen to me. My entire family became distant and shaken by this experience. I really think I stayed in the denial and anger stage for 5+ years.
Not many years later, both of my paternal grandparents passed. It was a quicker grieving process as they were both older and it was expected, because they weren’t in the best health.
Many years later, my husband and I tried to start having a family. We instantly suffered from two miscarriages before we were blessed with our sweet Myles. I felt all 5 stages. HARD. I really became depressed for a while and truly wondered what I had done in my life that was so awful that I didn’t deserve kids. I felt like I had been a decent human being.. I know I am a sinner but I have asked for forgiveness. But I was truly shaken to the core and when we found out we were pregnant with Myles, my first response was anger because I truly did not think I could go through that heartbreak again.
Just last week, I suffered from my third miscarriage as we are trying to grow our family again. However, my grieving experience has been different this time. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am much more confident in my faith. I do not believe that I am being punished, or that anything I have done could have caused this. Truly, it is just a very terrible situation that happens more often than we realize. I have peace over the fact that maybe it just was not “our time” to have another child. I also have peace in knowing that our sweet baby is with the Lord and is in no pain. I have a peace that if it is God’s Will for us to have another child, that it will happen in HIS time.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason this side of Heaven, but I do not doubt.
Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
It never gets easier. Human nature makes me want to know the reason that things happen the way that they do. But I find the truths in God’s Word to be reassuring. Grief is something that has been around for all of humanity. People mourn the loss of many things, but God constantly reminds us to turn to him in our times of trouble and that he will be there for us.
Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Suffering is something we will only face here on earth. We will not mourn or suffer in Heaven. It will be a place of glory and goodness.. and I truly can’t wait!!
Romans 8:18 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
While we are here on earth, grief will come in many different ways. We might lose someone we have never met, which is what I am experiencing right now. And truly it is an odd feeling. For nine weeks, I was growing a baby that I was truly head over heels for. My husband and I would talk at night about how amazing it was going to be to watch Myles be a big brother. We dreamt of names and nursery themes. We talked about how I was an only child and I was so excited that Myles would have someone to grow up with and experience every phase of life with. We had a whole life planned out for this baby in our mind, so when we went to our appointment and there was no heartbeat- we were just taken aback. We had never met this baby before, we did not even know the gender. But the baby was real to us- it wasn’t just losing a baby, but losing all those dreams we had dreamt up for them as well.
Losing a parent though is something that is inevitable. But as a 10 year old little girl who dreams of growing up and having her daddy walk her down the aisle, or hold his grandbabies- that is just a different type of grief. I know how hard it was for me to grasp that my dad was gone at 10, but every milestone that came along that was “big” in my eyes was like losing him all over again. That is when those “waves” of grief feel more like a big wave crashing into shore.
Plus, at 10 years old- you really do not grasp the concept of losing someone FOREVER. At that point in my life, I had only lost a great grandparent. I was not well versed in what it meant to lose someone, much less the most important person in my life.
At my wedding, I chose to not have a father/daughter dance. Obviously I could have had my precious grandpa dance with me, because in reality he has had to stand in my dad’s shoes many, many times over the years- and he has done a fantastic job. But that is a moment that all little girls dream of… dancing at their wedding with their daddy.. and that just wasn’t a memory I could make with someone else. It sounds silly, I know. But it was a nonnegotiable decision for me. That moment of silence was in place to honor my sweet daddy and I wouldn’t change it if I had to.
But I think what really gets me through those waves of grief is KNOWING my earthly father is in Heaven with my Father.
John 11:25-26 “Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”
There is no suffering in Heaven. No sadness. Can you imagine such a glorious place??
Revelation 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.”
As the world continues to change daily, I worry about the world I am raising my child up in. But I am also calmed by the idea that I am raising him to know God, to be a devout Christian, and I pray that he desires to live in eternity with God as much as I do.
Grief is something that has such a negative connotation because it gives us such negative feelings. I try to have the outlook that the people or the things we are grieving are not lost- but they are found. They are at peace, and that gives me peace.
I hope you have peace, my friends.
Your feelings are valid. Feel them. Embrace them. Share them.