Everything can change. In the blink of your eye.

Have you ever wanted something so badly for it to be taken away from you? And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it? That’s how I felt sitting in the doctors office Friday. My husband and I were so excited, we were pregnant. We took the day off to spend together and go to our first appointment. Bursting at the seams, full of anticipation and eager for what it will be like to add a bundle of joy to our family. We dreamed of what it would be like to watch Myles be a big brother.

As I laid down on the ultrasound table, we were talking to our tech, who happened to have been through 3 pregnancies with us now, but only resulting in Myles. She smiled and listened to us eagerly tell her about how perfect we think Myles is, and show her pictures of his contagious smile. She raved about how excited she was for us and how blessed we were with our sweet, sweet soon to be 2 year old. She started the ultrasound and immediately we see that sweet little 9 week baby on the screen. Tears fill our eyes. All my hopes and dreams are on that page. But I don’t hear a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech is moving around and doing measurements. She instantly looks at me with tear filled eyes, and she says the dreaded words that we have heard 2 times before. “I am so sorry but there’s no heartbeat.”

And our world stopped.

I had no emotions. My husband breaks down.

I can’t even form words.

I don’t have feelings.

I don’t have emotions.

I don’t have tears.

I literally have nothing. I just lay there. I squeeze my husbands hand to comfort him. I tell the tech that it’s okay, it’s all Gods plan. But do I really believe that? All I feel right now is… nothing.

She gave us time alone. Again, I’m utterly just existing. My husband hugs me and we just stand in silence.

He says we got too excited. I agree.

He said I did nothing wrong. I agree.

He says we will get through this. I agree.

But do I believe any of it? In that moment… no. I feel like it’s all my fault. I feel that I could do something different. I feel dirty and exposed.

We continue on to a waiting area to meet with my doctor. Patients, nurses, doctors are all walking by- their days are carrying on as normal. Granted, it’s a normal day for them. They don’t see the tears rolling down my husbands face.. they don’t see me emotionless and staring at the art work in front of me, or see the thoughts racing through my head. They don’t feel the pain that’s literally crushing me.

We sit there and wait patiently for a room to meet with our doctor.

We sit and watch smiling soon to be mothers come out and schedule their next visit.

We hear nurses talking about what they are going to DoorDash for lunch.

We sit in silence and our own thoughts. We just sit.

Anger is creeping up in me.

WHY ME? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do so terrible in my life to deserve this? But God laid his hand on my shoulder. He gave me a squeeze and reminded me.. I wasn’t alone.

I squeezed my husband’s hand. I see the heartbreak on his face. And I remind him.. we are going to be fine.

We go to a room to wait on our sweet doctor to come “officially” tell us the horrible news we already know.

This is the 3rd time she has had to tell me this devastating news.

She walks in and just wraps me in a hug. She tells me it’s a terrible situation. She tells me it sucks. She tells me it’s ok to be upset and mad. She squeezes me and holds me like I’m her own daughter. God placed her in my life 15 years ago, because he knew one day she would need to be strong for me when I couldn’t be for myself.

We discuss all the horrible options to come.

We go to schedule my surgery.

Again.

My husband and I sit in the lab waiting area with 6 other expecting mothers. Smiles on their faces.

Tears are uncontrollably flowing down my face.

My husbands heart is shattered as he holds my hand. He’s whispering comforting words in my ears…. But I hear nothing.

My doctor comes back and tells me that her scheduler is scheduling my D&C as soon as possible, per my request.

She hugs me. Hard. And assures me, I will be okay. That it wasn’t my fault. I did nothing wrong. She loves me and she’s praying for us.

I continue to sit and cry as we wait.

A sweet girl is across the hall with her parents. Who are paying no attention to her. The dad gets on to her when she steps out of her seat. But then goes back to his phone. Mom is griping because she’s ready to get out of here, she has things to do. They are paying ZERO attention to their child. And she’s clearly expecting another one. What feelings do I have?? Nothing nice.

I have bitter feelings.

I am ANGRY.

And then I’m mad at myself for feeling this way.

I know NOTHING about this couple.

I am judging them because I am hurting.

How wrong!!!!

I smile at the little girl through tears and she waves at us. I can see she just wants to ask what’s wrong. You can see the eager concern in her eyes. So I smile again, as if to comfort her in knowing I’m okay.

My husband and I leave with a plan for surgery the following Monday. It’s Friday. I have to go home and dwell on the fact I have a baby in my belly and there’s nothing I can do to help them or save them. I just have to dwell on the fact I’m carrying a perfect little baby- with no heartbeat.

That’s HARD. I’m MAD. I’m ANGRY. I’m SAD. I’m bitter. But I still have no words.

I’m a counselor.. I’m usually full of advice. I can help, and have talked friends through this exact situation.. but I can’t help myself right now. I know in my heart the truths and I believe wholeheartedly what I would tell any friend in this situation.. but right now, my bitter heart is having a hard time believing it.

I KNOW THAT ILL BE OKAY. I KNOW GOD HAS A PLAN. I KNOW GOD NEVER HANDS US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE.

Isaiah 41:10,13 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand..” For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

I know these things.

But it’s not any easier, my burden still feels so heavy.

As soon as we get home, I go straight to bed. I fill my pillow with tears. I’m texting my friends my sad, pitiful feelings. I need them off my chest. They are pouring prayers and love into my cup. And I go to sleep.

When I wake up, two of my dear friends have planned supper and are coming over to entertain Myles, clean up my house, listen to my sobs, and their husbands are here to distract mine.

They filled my house with fellowship. They showed me a love only God can show. They listened without judgement to my pitiful feelings. They made me laugh. They loved on my baby. They cleaned my floors and picked up toys.

Steadily, my phone is going off with friends and coworkers reaching out to offer their prayers and support.

My work friends have went above and beyond to cover me while I cope. One just doing exactly as she knew I needed. Covering my duties at work, asking people to give me space, giving me space, and praying so hard for me. She knows what I need without me even having to say it. She listens to my ridiculous pity party, and never ever makes me feel bad about it.

One covers a baby shower we were hosting the next day- without even thinking twice. She KNEW what I felt, and she just handled it herself. She has such a busy life, but she handled it all with such grace- because she is full of Gods grace that she radiates it to others.

Friends made food and delivered it. Friends checked on me daily. Several times.

People reached out just to say “I’m praying for you.”

My people showed up and SHOWED OUT. God placed each of these precious souls in my life. To show me HIS love. To carry me because I can’t carry myself. To love me because I can’t love myself. To remind me daily, that I am worthy of another child, and IF the time is right and it’s Gods will- HE WILL PROVIDE.

Friends, I tell you this, not for pity, but for you to know.. the people you surround yourself with MATTER. Having a firm faith foundation MATTERS. Feeling your feelings, even when you don’t have any… matters. Sharing your feelings with others- MATTERS.

You have to share your feelings to heal.

Feeling is Healing.

But we can’t heal alone.

We need others.

We NEED God.

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Don’t turn away in times of trouble. Lean in closer.

Psalm 102:2 “Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly.”

Was it tempting to run and hide and have a pity party for myself? Sure.

Would it do any good? Nah

Do I suffer from depression? Absolutely. Everyday.

Could I just fall into that pattern again? Easy.

Why didn’t I???

I have a God who is MIGHTY. He knows what I need, before I need it. He provided what I needed through 20+ people. He had a plethora of Prayer Warriors carrying us through this weekend. He was holding my husband and I up with his gentle hands. He showed us over and over how BLESSED we are with the life we have. He showed up. Every day. In every way. I am blessed.

Even in this awful, terrible situation- I see my husband and his endless love and service for me. I see my two year old who is full of love and life. I see my family who has poured prayers and done anything they could for us. I see my friends who have prayed and felt this pain with us- showed us we weren’t alone. I looked around and saw the home we have- that is FULL of love, laughter, memories. I stood in the church pew Sunday- and I hear the giggles of my son as he plays with the girls behind us who dearly just adore him. I felt the presence of the Lord in that place. And I feel it now.

My dear friends, you are not alone. I am here for you. I am here to help carry your burden. And I am so so utterly thankful for each of you.

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”